Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
