So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
