I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
