if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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