4 words: hood of his car
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You made out with two different species that night
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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