Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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