shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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