apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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