he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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