no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
