I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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