okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
