I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
