i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
