I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
