Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
