I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
