saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
