Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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