Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
