Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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