I just pynch a tree in the face
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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