So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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