i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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