I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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