we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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