Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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