I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
