It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
