Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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