Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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