Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
