what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Still dying that you shit outside
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
