Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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