Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
