I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
