I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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