happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
