dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
