I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
