a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
