Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
