On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
