put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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