Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
