And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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