Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
