Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
