My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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