some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Randomize
