Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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